I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
