Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
