@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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