I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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