It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
