allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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