Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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