I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
