I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
