I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
