If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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