Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
