ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize