he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
