i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
