Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
