My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
