My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
