I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
