Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
please don't ironically join a cult
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