just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize