I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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