you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
