Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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