I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
