Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
