how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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