I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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