well I can't set my house on fire every night
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Randomize
