The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
