I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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