Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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