What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
