Ambien. No doubt about it.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
