I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Life is so much better after having sex.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
