fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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