we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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