Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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