Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
