Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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