please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
