If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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