i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize