Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
