So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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