life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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