That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
