3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
