My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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