Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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