probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
