i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
