I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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