Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
