does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
