Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
