Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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