so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
