How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
