Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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