I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
