I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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