he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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