After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Randomize
