He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
