I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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