My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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