just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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