If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Bang-toberfest begins!!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
